Why lovers cheat


I have promised that this coming week I will be unraveling the mind of ‘cheaters’, particularly why they cheat. Perhaps if you knew why people cheat in the first place, it would help you heal from the previous relo hurts or assist you in your effort to appreciate what goes on in a cheater’s mind, right?

Just when I thought I should sit down and type this blog post content, I met an old school friend and swam in the nostalgia of previous school experiences. You know former school mates. They remind you of previous teachers and how you were at school. Former School mates are historians who live somewhere in your past and when they meet you, they will make you recall even your old nickname. Unlike all former school mates I normally meet once in a while, the former schoolmate I was with had a different swing. Behind the chuckling about school days, I sensed his emotional strain and disarray. He seemed to have a problem that reduces him to tears. The pain is so stressful that in coping with it I suspect he learned how to smoke. Not that I have anything against smokers. As he leans on his VW vintage car to tell me about it, I become suspicious about it being the reason for such drastic weight loss on his part. And he starts by asking me questions that are so full of concern that I can hardly classify as mere conversational rhetoric. “KS, Why do people cheat?" Unbeknown to him this is the subject of this week’s blog. As we travel to his house that day, he continues, by lamenting that “I took care of her, gave her everything and then she cheated on me, but why KS, I know I was staying far from her but I was hustling…?”  

Although my hurting friend doesn’t realize it, he has just said the answer when he mentioned that “I know I was staying far from her but I was hustling…” that's it! People cheat because we are too far from them. We are absent the whole week, for months and expect that they are not going to fall in love with neighbors, colleagues, and acquaintances who they see every day. Let’s be realistic. Every day, this person meets men, they admire her and even get to touch her and you are in Boksburg while she’s in GC, too broke to even call her and then one day you discover she has had a "heart transfer". It always hurts ...but, come on. Some long-distance relationships can survive through “discipline” but it’s not easy. Love is physical and saying this in winter makes a lot of sense. For men, this is a daily challenge. When a man sleeps, a hormone called testosterone is formed in his body. It causes him to desire sex badly. That's why every time we wake up, there’s that erection. It's not easy being a man. Every day, a man who lives remotely from his woman is faced with a self-control challenge. Imagine facing 365 days of self-control? It’s not easy. Many people choose to make money at the expense of staying together and then talk about discipline or God.

If you decide to take a job that's far away from your person, then make a plan to travel and meet regularly. When my wife accepted a job transfer, I knew our sex life was going to be compromised unless we made a plan. Every week I traveled to Mahalapye and stayed there for three days. Some people neglect others sexually because they are up and about looking for money and then say “no nobody will cheat on me coz I pray”.Let’s be realistic, people like that are using religion as a license to be irresponsible. People cheat because there’s a distance issue. It’s a fact. I didn’t tell my former classmate that he had just said one of the reasons for being cheated. Why? I thought he was too hurt to comprehend the truth. Before telling someone the “truth” it’s important to check as to whether your listener is ready. I didn’t wanna hurt him.

While I hid the first reason as to why people cheat from him,I will tell you the second point. Don’t worry, I will tell him soon as he stops crying. The second reason why people cheat is that some people come from terrible backgrounds.From homes that are just too broken to be fixed.Some people were raised by heart  and promise breakers. Obviously, association is assimilation.A person who grew up being abused is likely to abuse.One who grew up in a alcoholic home will end up developing hatred towards alcohol or struggle with addiction. So, if you pick and date someone from a family of liars, cheaters and heart breakers and get shocked when such a person betrays you, you’re not being reasonable.

A popular reason why people cheat is that they have been complaining to their lovers and were taken for granted. The chiefest of reasons an embarrassed lover often gives for cheating when Cheaters television series cameramen are all over the place and there’s nowhere to run is that “you are always busy and don’t give me attention”. An enraged boyfriend will often respond by asking, “why didn’t you tell me all this time?”. Many people regard such claims as baseless excuses and assume the question by the betrayed lover is valid. But in many instances, lovers complain that sex is in short supply or that “you don’t spend time home with me” long before cheating occurs. Although said sweetly without any confrontation, such complaints are a time bomb. There is a lot of pleading and subtle pestering that goes on before lovers opt for another way. After a long time of pleading about these things, your lover will be greatly tempted to consider cheating. As much as cheating is not justified, neglecting to attend to one’s requests or taking them for granted is also not justifiable. 

The question then is why didn’t you tell me that you have issues instead of cheating? Reasons are often as follows:

  1.  (1) I was afraid you wouldn’t listen to me
  2.  (2) you told me that you don’t like a woman who likes sex so I kept quiet.
  3.  (3)I kept telling you and you kept on promising that you will do something about it
  4.  (4)Every time I complain about the relo you tell me about God and the bible. You ask me to pray and be faithful.
  5.  (5)I hid my complaint coz you seemed unapproachable 
  6.  (6) you don’t listen even if I talk 

Cheaters are not always as senseless and as immoral as society has learned to perceive them.


Before we can accuse anyone of cheating, let’s make sure we don’t create a conducive environment for cheating. Let's be approachable. Let’s take every complaint against us seriously. While cheating is terrible, tempting your lover to cheat on you is also very bad. Becoming a righteous judge, when you are the one who created an environment and reason to be cheated on is great self-deception.

K.A. Bareki is the author of sex & Intimacy 101 and can be contacted at ansonpub@gmail.com