Tricked into a relationship

Have you ever met someone similar to one of the salespeople I meet every day that flatter people to persuade them to buy furniture? Normally they are so sweet until you buy them. After you buy, they harass you with phone calls and claim you they are just reminding you not to forget to pay even though it's not yet time for the agreed-upon installment. They become so mean that even when the said furniture breaks down, they won’t give you the promised guarantee. Some of us spend the rest of our few installment years promising never to fall for a sales man’s trap again and buy furniture on credit. Comparatively, some marriages are exactly like a crocked furniture deal. So sweet until you sign for marriage.If you’re planning on marriage or already in it, read this now!

When a woman cries about a man…About how he beats her and keeps her debit card controlling every single coin she makes like a merciless pimp… The one question I always ask is how she came to fall in love with such a control freak. A lot of women complain about how a guy isn’t calling like at first. He is not saying how beautiful they are anymore. There are no candlelit dinners. He is not wearing a tuxedo and buying her eye candy dresses. Instead, this guy has stopped everything. He has become a husband from hell.No matter how a woman explains the grossness of her man’s deeds I always find my self reiterating this question: why did you fall in love with such a control freak? Are you not a terrible chooser? The women I ask such questions never feel the guilt of being bad at choosing Mr. Right. Instead, they normally say, “he wasn’t like this when we met”. This naive confession often brings to my mind a rat trap made enticing by a piece of cheese.

If you look at the teary faces of these devastated women with a keen eye, you will be able to read utter disappointment and feeling that “John” has changed his personality completely. He is nothing like who these women dated and got married to. He is not well mannered anymore. He doesn’t do foreplay like at first. He pounces on his wife like the damn grizzly bear in open season. He is just mean. He reminds me of Amantle Brown’s Thabo in her emotional song about a man who doesn’t want anything to do with family and has lost passion for love.
But if a man can be so wicked and unloving, so strict and insecure, why was he so sweet like a strawberry when things began? Why do men lavish women with untold luxury before marriage and then change after the ring ceremony to become hate dispensing-dare-devils of the worst order? Well, a lot of men say they are showing their true colors. Women are not the only victims of marital deception. Some men stress because their wives have become somebody else. Before you married her, she was so into sex that you thought marrying would mean there’s no free day. In your mind, you reckoned she would give you hot sex and meals every day. And her body was wow. She never sulked for days as she does now. You realize now that it was all a marketing strategy. Now here you are with a nagging woman who looks more like a dairy cow than the peacock you saw in her. She is more interested in your pension statements than she is in you. She hardly talks about sex and is so unloving that you suspect she is waiting for you to die. One day I was on a bus to Mahalapye when my wife was still there working as a nurse. I kept traveling to Mahalapye to see her. On the way, on a bus, I conversed with a lady about sex. I asked, “why do ladies sex a guy’s brains out when he’s not yet a husband and then go quiet when he marries?” The lady openly told me, “we do it to attract after we get what we want, there’s no need to keep on being nice”. “Well, mam that is betrayal and deceit combined” I responded. “And people who do this will not go unpunished by life for deceiving their prospective lovers”, I added. Let's look into this issue more deeply…
What happens when one of those sales reps gets you to buy a car and you later find it's crappy and everything was a coverup? Not so long ago, I bought a beetle. Not these old ones, the new and sexy kinda beetles. These guys that sell cars had conned into buying one. And it was easy coz I love a beetle. The test drive was wonderful. After buying it, hell broke loose.I lost an extra 10k fixing it. But it was as broken as a person from a bad background so after thinking a lot I became resolute about selling it. Now guys who become so sweet to girls before marriage are like the feeling of test driving that beetle. When they turn into bitter berries they are like what that beetle was doing boiling, getting stuck in every street and causing me to buy so many automobile parts. And what will happen to them if they keep on bullying their women and behaving very differently from whom they seemed to be? They will be sold to the next fool who can bear the brunt of their deception.
A woman I hear used to give her man sexual attention and hot meals. After marriage, she did what they normally do. Years of sex starvation later, the man then went for plan B.Now that woman’s crying because the man is gone with woman B. If woman B is also playing a trick just to get somebody’s man, she will also be sorry coz he will live for plan C. You see, when we try to lure people into our lives by being nice we should remember that should we change, they will leave us. If they stay, marriage will be a very terrible experience. Even the person who became the trickster will regret it. There will be a divorce. Today some people want a divorce because the person they married changed. And the person says I am showing my true colors. Why “false colors” in the first place?
When a woman who had resigned from being nice to her husband realizes he is leaving her, she starts the makeup and asking if he is hungry. Well, it might be too late. Why were you cold all this while? When a man realizes her woman is leaving, he starts telling her how much he loves her. He starts acting as he used to when they met. He starts becoming sweeter than honey. And this shows that all this while he was deliberately bad. He knows what is right. Normally they beg and beg for you to stay. And when you stay, the true colors continue.
Why are true colors always terrible. Don’t we have true colors that are bright and nice? When will someone show true colors that make them sweet and more loving?
A word of advice to people who pretend to be nice when they are not simply because they want rings. Whatever you are doing is coming back to you. There’s no point luring a person with a character you can’t maintain. If you take a person out or buy flowers, do that for the entire relationship because your lover is making a decision to commit based on your current behavior. A frustrated woman who prefers anonymity once said, “I've tried to talk to him about it and explain to him that it makes me feel unloved, and he says well you aren't respecting me and my space. I try to talk about compromising, and nothing changes. I've had him read the 5 love languages book. If I would've known, that would have been a huge factor in whether I married him. I would not have dated him if he acted the way he does now when we were dating. I try to talk with him, and he just says it's not that big of a deal, laughs, and leaves. This is a HUGE deal to me, I feel like I'm married to someone that doesn't even love me.”

In his book, Marriage on the sickbed, Mpho Rantsudu a social worker by profession gives a clue as to how to bring life to dying marriage.If you think your relationship is dying and you need to revive it, try his book.

K.A. Bareki is the author of sex & Intimacy 101 and can be contacted at ansonpub@gmail.com