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Cheaters:Love advice for dealing with relationships troubles

Any normal human-being reading this blog doesn’t like to be cheated on, and wants relationship advice to deal with a troubled relationship. In this instalment we discuss the issues of cheaters and attempt answering the difficult question: Did did your partner cheat on you? This makes this blog post the most important one ever read written by myself  because it deals with a pertinent matter (Cheating and the troubled relationship )  and gives love advice to avoid an act which can undermine sexual fidelity and enjoyment.

For known reasons, cheating impedes sexual enjoyment within a legit relationship because it betrays trust, promotes health risks, and validates the need for protected sex even between consenting adults. Cheating worries so many people who may at best end up seeking counseling. For most people cheating is dealt with by checking lover’s emails, phone calls, messages, transactions, browsing history, and even tracking their where about at the level of someone working for the Federal investigative Bureau. The tricky thing about people who complain about being cheated is that the issue seems to be so much about the other person (Cheater). But a deep look into the issue reveals a big problem lies with the very person who claims to be cheated. What they think, say and even do in handling this relationship threatening accusation says it all. “No matter what answers and reassurance you give to someone who wants to believe that you’re cheating, they’re not right and they’re never enough,” writes Natalie, in her blog titled when you’re accused of cheating.

 

Firstly, as you speak to someone who is highly suspicious of being cheated on, you will realize they might have been extremely trustful at first and after being cheated on, the person has trust issues, unfortunately, this pain will lead such a person to falsely accuse future lovers of cheating. The person is not aware that this is just cheating paranoia which comes from the trauma of the first terrible encounter with infidelity. The dangerous part of continuously accusing someone of cheating especially if it is false is that in the end such a person may lose interest in being faithful or fall out of love. Some people started cheating after they were continuously falsely accused of cheating. Interestingly, a person may have trust issues because they were betrayed by their best friend, mother, father, or any other person either than a spouse.

Cheating is not something imaginary I am writing from a corner somewhere behind my laptop. I have had situations where an angry spouse called me in the middle of the night, asking me why his wife bought my book, sex, and intimacy 101 and never revealed it to him (as if I knew about it or could do something about it). This had nothing to do with me, but I have learned that the more influential I become, the more humble I ought to be, so instead of lashing out on this man, I behaved myself. He accused the wife of exploring sex positions in it with someone else. He didn’t have any proof, yet his anger radiated and he felt as sure as someone who believes in gospel truth. The wife claimed she bought the book as a surprise and was waiting for her husband ’s mood to lighten up but no amount of explanation was satisfactory. This past week, a girl who seemed crazily in love with her guy told me that the only thing that puts her off is that that the guy is too insecure. she said in despondency. Two weeks ago, a woman greatly turned off by her guy told me how this guy can call her place of work to confirm where she has been before settling for the fact that she is not cheating. The girl lets him call to clear his doubts. I told her that she is feeding this guy’s insecurity and this guy will keep on calling her workplace for the rest of his life unless something better is done. Imagine how embarrassing that is? Deep-seated insecurity is a sign that one can commit passion killings. Stories of insecurity are not only around me, I have a history of checking on my wife’s phone or trying to track her whereabouts. At some point in time, this investigative escapade stopped when I discovered a truth so illuminating that it will save you from the same trauma if you have the same problem.

 

Secondly, an insecure person is giving the person they’re insecure about too much credit. When you are insecure about someone who is not insecure about you it may seem as if you mean less to them than they mean to you, but the truth is the less insecure partner may have learned to control their insecurity. Basically, despite all of us having a considerable “amount” of insecurity, if your insecurity is chronic you’re on the begging end, pleading not to be cheated on all the time. While you’re at it, this is subtly convincing your partner that you’re not valuable. If you’re valuable to your lover why should you remind them to be faithful all the time or accuse them when they never do the same to you? A person of value does not impose themselves on anyone, instead, people follow them and are loyal to them without any pestering. At the time I was into always investigating what my wife was up to, at one point I asked myself why she wasn’t doing the same. After much introspection, I would find I have an inferiority complex and a feeling that I didn’t deserve her.“Some partners are extremely jealous because of insecurity developed within,” author and relationship expert Alexis Nicole White tells Bustle. “Perhaps they have been cheated on, or they have spent a lot of time with an individual that makes them develop a general mistrust or distrust of others.” What makes the problem seem sophisticated is that the extremely jealous lover makes it feel like its all got to do with the accused. But its the other way round.

Thirdly jealous people are so consumed in their selfish search for cheating evidence. Imagine somebody calling your workplace and doesn’t even think they’re ruining your reputation. It doesn’t click to them and this is why their jaded lovers eventually leave them.

A jealous person says verbally abusive things. “As I slept with you, I could feel that you had sex with another man,” says an insecure man. He thinks he’s manipulating the woman into telling the truth. But what he’s doing is discouraging the woman from having sex with him. As both of them begin to go through a sex famine, cheating will indeed take place. He is unconsciously dragging the "relo" towards cheating by dismissing the sex as boring and evidence of cheating.

Fourthly, an extremely jealous person has stopped being affectionate. The person concentrates on imprisoning, questioning, interrogating, calculating, manipulating, and all those words that end with “ing” . A relationship where one partner will always call to ask you “where are you?” instead of “how are you?” is soon to be boring. You feel captured. You feel there’s no value in being honest or loyal, after all, no matter what you do, you will still be accused by the untrained investigator.

“Jealousy is always based in insecurity, mistrust, or control — sometimes all of the above,” licensed marriage and family therapist and certified sex therapist Natalie Finegood Goldberg tells Bustle. “It's a form of self-protection: If I'm hyper-aware of my partner's behavior, then it will prevent anything bad from happening.” 

One thing that liberated me from trying to monitor my wife was the realization that there’s nothing I can do in terms of monitoring her that can make her faithful. A person can cheat on you in 5 minutes. They can kiss, hug someone, receive, and delete a message without you knowing. A person can do all these things under your nose. You need to be too young, immature, or too ambitious to think you’re detective Holmes and nothing escapes your eye. It is my wife’s responsibility to watch over her conduct. I don’t check any of her phones. I focus on loving her only. So, to answer the question on the heading which says “Did your partner cheat on you?”.To be brutally honest, very jealous persons cheat on themselves by doing things that make the relationship unpalatable. They need coaching and counseling!

 

K.A. Bareki is the author of sex & Intimacy 101 and can be contacted at ansonpub@gmail.com