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Why do marriages fail?

 It is indeed shocking that Judge Lot Moroka highlights that on average… they deal with around 80 cases of divorce in a week.. at the Francistown High Court alone.Imagine what statistics would come out of all the courts of  Botswana if we sought for such information. That brings us to the rhetoric question : why do marriages fail? The answer to this question lies in another question which is : why shouldn’t marriages fail? And that my friend although looks like a typo is an honest question. Tell me why marriages in our country shouldn’t fail? Why shouldn’t divorce rates skyrocket? Why?

First of all, most marriages are based on principles that are fake.People are very realistic when they are not yet married, and after marriage they begin to live a false life that doesn’t even correlate with sense.And so according to me, most marriages that experience a quagmire arising from their own “fakeness” should have died by now, but because many of us are afraid of the humiliation that comes with being divorced,we are still here, clinging tenaciously a bitter deal. 

Okay, I know this already sounds strange for somebody who is not expecting to hear the truth said so candidly and so a little example might be helpful in driving the point home. You see, I believe a person without a drivers’s license drives very carefully to avoid being spotted by the police.Such a driver observes speed limits, wears a seatbelt and does many things that serve to keep police from noticing him or her. Its a no-brainer that a driver without a license can and will make mistakes arising from a lack of training, but the person tries hard not to make such mistakes.  A person with a driver’s license on the other hand, feels free and often times than not misbehaves on the road. Although I don’t condone unlicensed driving, over the years I have watched this unfortunate reality and compared it to marriage.When a person does not yet have a marriage license, they are so loving and so careful not hurt to their darling. People who are not married to each other know very well how to market themselves to their prospective spouses.They don’t threaten them or beat them up.They take them to evening diners and shower them with gifts.Those couples that are honest enough to make confessions about sex before marriage will tell you that the sex is also great!It is rare to have lovers seeking counseling in the line of harassment before marriage.However, after acquiring a marriage license an unwise man and his lady begin to show their “true colors”. Not only is the issue of true colors destructive to marriage, there are principles that many married people hold on to which are so senseless that as I list them, you will find yourself shocked and will have your emotions ranging from utter flabbergast to laughter.  

 

 

  1. Insecurity: Married people often times than not are very insecure to such a point that greeting a married man’s wife in his presence feels like a suspicious thing to do.As soon as a person is married their husband feels that relating with a colleague is sexually explicit. In fact, some men have this idea that as soon as a woman is married, it is wrong for her to be attractive.This doesn’t make sense at all.If you have been attracted to a woman and married her, people with the same eyes as yours will also find her attractive.Putting a ring on her does not diminish her looks.If she is sexually attractive, she will still be sexually attractive after marriage. Different Men will relate with her and their intentions will range from innocent social interactions to making advances.You don’t have to be intimidated by people making advances on your lady.This actually confirms that you made the right choice. Whenever my wife tells me about men making advances I feel proud of the fact that it shows that i made the right choice.As long as she doesn’t fall for those advances there’s nothing really wrong with men being interested in your woman because it is not her fault that they have such interest.It’s not her fault that she is beautiful or attractive. Many years ago,I witnessed a married man scolding his wife like a baby and asking her why men are attracted to her.I thought that was outrageous. Before marriage, a man will count on how he treats you to keep you.After the wedding, he relies on accusations, harassment and all sorts intimidating tactics to keep you.It never works. Women also do the same thing.Before marriage, she keeps her body and does her magic.After Marriage, she keeps your phone and your bank card.Haibo! It’s an error.
  2. Finances: A lot of married people don’t believe in financial freedom.This is done under a common teaching that suggests married people should submit the entire salary to each other because they are one.Now let’s imagine that I take my entire salary and submit it to my wife and everything I buy goes under the itemized scrutiny of my wife.Where will I get the money I need to buy her roses since she has all the money?How will I buy her a surprise gift when all the money is in her watch? How realistic is the idea of giving your spouse your bank card? While it makes sense for married people to budget together and make contributions, the arrangements which married people often make under the guise of being one are too fake and against natural inclination.Even after marriage,I am still an individual.I need pocket money to buy grilled sausage and veg salads.I need money to hangout with my friends.My wife also needs to be able to buy a yoghurt without consulting me. Married people (not all though) abuse each other financially and are a people of endless  and unnecessary consultations.Why? Because of adhering to fake and inhumane principles!  Imagine that some married men are not allowed by their wives to buy lunch while at work.What kind of a law is that? How human is it to spend the whole day not eating because my wife frowns at eating in a restaurant? That is slavery.I am a very liberal person and will not subscribe to enslaving laws.Its okay to avoid eating out in order to save money, but if that is too legalistic and severe for the other party, the family constitution should be reviewed.

  1. Social intercourse: When married men, met their women, it was in social hangouts. They meet in churches, bars, weddings, parties, and so forth. After meeting, and finally getting married, most couples decide that no one has to hangout. The places where they met have become evil since marriage happened. Everyone stays indoors if not at work. For a married woman to go for a baby shower is a matter that must be looked into with utter scrutiny. It turns out that married people adhere to antisocial principles of always being together and trashing the entire society as being destructive to family life. This puritanical approach to marriage makes it a very boring institution.
  2.  Others: If I had the time and space, we would also look into the sexual life of married people, their dressing, eating habits, and so on. In nutshell, married people, not all though, are prison Inmates. Under these circumstances, it is not surprising why divorces skyrocket.It is also not surprising as to why young people despise marriage and prefer celibacy and singleness. If we continue in such bondage and fake environment, the institution of marriage will die. 

This generation needs people who will teach couples the truth and take them through realistic counselling which is relevant to the times we live in. I appeal to today’s marriage counsellors to inspire couples towards a realistic approach to marriage. Unfortunately, some fake principles have been introduced by professional marriage counselors.For instance, the principle of cellphone transparency which suggests that your spouse should scroll through your phone to check for suspicious dialogues. And you should be very comfortable unless you are a cheat.That principle is both fake and crappy.

My wife is a nurse and patients can send confidential information or ask questions inline with her duty that I am not supposed to know of. Scrolling through her phone can be a violation of the privacy she has with them. Secondly, a man who is attracted to her can send her a message as a way of making a move. She is not guilty of attracting him and he is not wrong to make those moves. It's up to her to decline or accept him and I must give her the space to do so without interference. How will I know she is faithful tome unless I give her space and the privacy to be herself.

Some people say doing this creates the freedom for her to cheat me. I believe people don't cheat because their phones weren't policed enough. People cheat because they want to. When a person wants to cheat on you, there's nothing you can do to stop them. Knowing this brings a peace of mind and helps one to stop trying to be a control freak.

 

And this is nothing new. When people first meet and fall in love,sometimes they have other people pursuing them and trying their luck. But because they'are still dating, they rely on impressing each other to outdo the existing competition. Unfortunately, after marriage people often think harassing or policing each other is helpful in dealing with the competition but that's wrong. Impressing your lover is the greatest way to keep them.It has always been that way. Relationships start with first impressions and are maintained by the continued lover charm. Nothing beats making your lover happy.Don't let any marriage counsellor or preacher teach you otherwise.

K.A. Bareki is the author of sex & Intimacy 101 and can be contacted at ansonpub@gmail.com